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Hypochondriacs "sicker than previously thought" Apple admits: iMac not actually a real computer 'Hoor in Sewer' arrested in Garda sting News in Brief: Deputies argue over takeaway, more woe for Microsoft |
Although early research into hypochondri-syndrome suggests it is almost certainly incurable, this has not stopped Ledwidge from developing a wide range of placebo treatments which will soon be available in a variety of medicinal-style containers. “Hundreds of patients have expressed relief after hearing about my break-through research,” says Dr. Ledwidge, “Many of them had given up hope of finding any actual health problems. Now, at last, they not only have an official disease to complain of; they also have a choice of powerful placebo products to ‘control’ the condition.” In
this special report, the Evil Gerald has interviewed two complete and
utter hypochondriacs about this sensitive issue, and how Dr. Ledwidge’s
ground-breaking research has affected them.
“I felt I was no longer getting more attention than I deserved. In fact my friends were treating me just like anyone else and I’ve never been comfortable with that. But then I saw this Baywatch episode 3 years ago where a kid nearly dies from a bee sting and I suddenly thought, hey, for all I know I could have a fatal allergy to bees too! From that moment I built my whole personality around the fact that I could die painfully at any moment. “Things were great until last summer when I got stung by a bee in St. Stephen’s Green. Not only did I not die, but it didn’t even hurt that much or anything – I was devastated.” “H.S. has given me new hope and an endless new source of attention.” enthuses the 20 year old. But not everyone is happy for her. “My flatmate just doesn’t understand my condition and has even questioned Dr. Ledwidge’s qualifications. But I know she’s just jealous. AHEM! AHEUGH! Oh, god, I think I’m coming down with pleurasy or something… But I suppose learning to face up to prejudice is all part of suffering from H.S.” she adds with a martyred smile. Ryan's Story Ryan Scanlan (29) agrees with her. “The prejudice you face as a hypochondriac today is just unreal” says the Limerick-based businessman. “It’s as if my friends don’t want me to be able to say I’m sick. Like last Christmas when I thought I had Glandular Fever, and it turned out to be just a sore throat they were acting all smug and were all like ‘we knew there was no need to worry.’ It was the same story when I found out I didn’t have Foot & Mouth. They always seem delighted to hear that I don’t have any serious diseases – what a bunch of assholes.” Something real “Gradually it became more and more difficult to get people to buy into my so-called afflictions” Ryan whinges on. “All those clean bills of health were being greeted with ‘I told you so’ and eventually even my doctor suggested that I ‘get a bottle of Cop-On and drink it’, so I found some quacks who were more creative in their diagnoses. I collected an impressive number of prognoses including an addiction to opium from a previous life and a rare Oxygen-Allergy. “But I knew in my heart it was probably just a load of crap. Now at last with Dr. Ledwidge’s research I have something real to cling to. Hypochondri-Syndrome is the one diagnostic label I have that is pretty indisputable.” When asked whether he felt bitter towards all the friends who had told him to just be grateful for his health, Mr. Scanlan replied “Oh, yeah, totally. I mean this is a big two fingers to everybody. I always knew there was something not quite right about me, and this proves it.”
Dr. Ledwidge’s findings have been welcomed by Hypochondria Ireland, who described the report a both “long” and “full of diagrams” at a scantily attended press-conference yesterday. “We
feel vindicated” whined Hypochondria Ireland spokesperson Ms. Geraldine
Killoran, who currently suffers form imaginary diarrhoea as well as ‘really
weird pains’ in her left elbow. “The report conclusively proves
that we really ARE imagining these afflictions, and not just imagining
that we’re imagining them.” |
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Hypochondriacs
may not be hypochondriacs after all, but just ordinary people suffering
from a newly discovered disorder - hypochondri-syndrome. So
claims a startling new report "Hypochondriacs - Sicker Than Previously
Thought" published on Thursday.
“I
was always a total hypochondriac from an early age so people were becoming
immune to my constant whinging” complains Kelly Boyd, a 20 year old
Arts student at UCD who wishes to remain anonymous.
