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HJ Heinz admits liability for peas wall mix-up

In a statement issued yesterday the chairman of HJ Heinz plc, Tony O'Reilly admitted full responsibility for the confusion over the construction of a 20-foot-high wall to keep nationalist and unionist residents of the Falls Road from blowing the shit out of each other with bombs.

The announcement backtracked over a previous statement which denied any wrongdoing and claiming that peas were perfectly fine for building walls. "HJ Heinz and all its subsidiaries and shareholders now accept," he told journalists at a press conference "that peas are an unsuitable material for building, cementing together, plastering or building foundations for walls. Furthermore, the use of peas in the specific context of building a protective barrier-type wall for the blocking of stone missiles, flaming arrows, acid bombs, scorching underwear, or sectarian jokes, is neither in line with the terms of the Good Friday Agreement nor the Northern Ireland development plan and the attempt by the company to build a wall of peas showed blatant disregard for the wellbeing of the northern populous".

The peas wall had become somewhat of a landmark for locals who had grown quite attached to the "Wall of Peas". "The peas wall would appear to be the only wall of its kind in existence," local historian, Bernie Townshend, told The Evil Gerald. "Not since Norman times has anyone attempted to build fortifications out of peas," she enthused, adding that the peas were of a particular "Quality".

It is rumoured that HJ Heinz's foray into the world of walls was an attempt by the company to break into the lucrative building materials market and coincided with intensive lobbying of NI minister, John Reed.

The Falls Peas Wall is to be dismantled in the coming week by trained experts from the PSNI incrprtng. RUC and the peas distributed on a demographically weighted basis to residents from both sides of the community, providing a safe, eco-friendly, vegetarian option to throwing shards of metal at each other.




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