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Bord Fáilte urges Irish fans to keep their big mouths shut

The Irish Tourist Board was last night desperately trying to convince disappointed Irish fans to at least make some token gesture of support for the English team when they play Brazil on Sunday.

"Lookit," Bord Fáilte chairman, Redmond O'Donoghue, told the Gerald, "if we can't keep the Brits thinking that Irish people all love them, were screwed. The way Sky News was going on after the Irish matches you'd think Ireland was the continuity wing of the England soccer team, but the truth is that if you ask an Ireland fan if he'll be getting up early to watch the England game, he'll just laugh at you".

Perfidious Albion works that charm

"Come on lads," O'Donoghue implored Irish fans, who were still drowning their sorrows following Ireland's cruel 3-2 defeat on penalties to an unconvincing Spanish side last Sunday, "can ye not just let on for one week that ye're OK with English people? I mean, God love them, the poor amadáns were genuinely overjoyed when we drew with Germany, and they were jumping up and down when we trashed the Saudis. If we want to fill the towns and villages of Éireann's green sod with drunken obnoxious five-bellied, beer-swilling English louts for another year, we've got to keep them convinced that we like them.

If the Brits find out about the traditional animosity the Irish harbour following 800 years of oppression, the bitter memories of the famine and the denial of the Irish right to self-governance and the continued occupation of the six counties, tourism in this country is banjaxed. We'll be forced to rely on the yanks and the Germans, and they don't drink nearly enough! Aaaargh!

Asked if the Gaelic Athletic Association would be supporting Bord Fáilte in its drive to lull English people into this false impression of benevolent fraternity with the Irish, a spokesman for an Cumann Luthcleas Gael said "No".




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