Gardai dispatching the country's last cow, yesterday

-Nation now free of BSE, F&M and cows
-Sheep increasingly perturbed

Crisis! That's the word that's on everybody's lips, possibly soon to be replaced by the tell-tale blisters of the dreaded Foot and Mouth disease that is possibly sweeping the nation. The whole country is on red alert, as if the plague takes hold in herds south of the border the previously immaculate and untarnished reputation of Irish agriculture will be ruined.

The Government reacted to the crisis by hunting down and killing every cow that has not already been culled as a result of the BSE scare. In some cases Department of Agriculture officials took to machine-gunning lines of ostensibly healthy animals as they queue up to have metal bolts rammed through their skulls to prevent the spread of whatever dread disease they're unwittingly suspected of carrying even though they probably don't.

The last cow in the country was gunned down (see above) outside a petrol station near Kenmare, Co. Kerry yesterday, after a it had escaped from a slaughterhouse by climbing through a bathroom window, hitched a lift for 100km down the N7, and tried to purchase a false passport from Jackie Healy-Rae.

But Ireland continues to be wracked by worries that F&M could yet take hold.

In this time of crisis, the Evil Gerald is, as always, your only man. We will continue to provide you with up-to-the-minute, hard hitting news and reports. To begin with, turn to our stunning 8-page cut-out-and-keep Foot 'n' Mouth special, which includes:

-Cabinet Ministers suspected of contracting F&M. Culling imminent.
-Employment booming in livestock-slaughtering sector
-A handy guide to Why You Should Give A Shit.