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Intel acquires Catholic church in $9.6bn take-over

Old lady cautioned for punching children. We ask: is nothing sacred?

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'Old skool' walkman actually just crap

Announcement by The Evil Gerald, inc.


Old Lady Cautioned for Punching Children

An old Dolphins Barn lady, whose weekly routine includes slapping and punching children at the local park, faces a fine for doing just that, the Evil Gerald can report.

Rosemary Hayde, who has traditionally gone to the park every Saturday to strike defenceless youths, learned the hard way that regulations actually prohibit it when a busybody garda gave her a citation for "assault".

"The garda walked up to me and asked me, 'What do you think you're doing?'" Hayde told reporters. "I told him, 'I'm beating up kids. What's it look like?'"

For five years, Hayde has driven the seven miles to Marley Park every Saturday. She packs a pair of special gloves which she only puts on just before starting to lash out at the many young children who gather there on weekends to play and get whacked by old people. Until recently she could spend up to two hours doing this, but as she gets older she finds herself getting exhausted after only the third or fourth beating.

"I still enjoy it, though", she told us. "And I look forward to it all week. Punching children is just about the only thing that keeps me going since my husband Leonard passed away. But now the authorities say I can't even do that. It's very confusing".

The Evil Gerald believes that this persecution of an innocent old lady for a beloved habit which does nobody any serious lasting harm is an absolute disgrace, and yet more proof that the noseyparker liberal elite who run this country are all shitheads.





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