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Intel acquires Catholic church in $9.6bn take-over

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Editorial - something must be done!

'Old skool' walkman actually just crap

Announcement by The Evil Gerald, inc.


'Old skool' Walkman actually complete crap

Trinity College linguistics student, Astrid Nolan, was shocked to hear yesterday that her seven year old Walkman is, in fact, a two-bit piece of crap and not the 'old skool' kitsch, as she had pretended.

The incident occurred when a group of her classmates were meeting in Pravda, Dublin's first faux-communist vodka bar - so retro. Beneath the post-modern murals, Astrid accidentally exposed her Walkman that she bought some time ago with money she got from her granny for her confirmation.

Friend, Mary-Elizabeth Kilduff, who has secretly had it in for Nolan when that bitch scored that guy from her tutorial, made a few passing comments about the Walkman before everyone joined in. "I was like so embarrassed" said Astrid, wearing a second-hand sheepskin coat she bought at the Eager Beaver. "I arrived late because the first 46A was full and when I got to my friends, I took my Walkman out to switch it off. Then they started all going like: 'wow that thing's huge and 'like, did you get that thing out of, like, the Stone Age?'"

Yeah, yeah, funky yeah
She had modified it to look more "funky". "I jazzed it up with some flowers and an Adidas three-stripe in Tipp-Ex and some quotes like 'The mother of dissipation is not joy but joylessness' and 'without language thought is a vague, uncharted nebula' - I know they're not catchy but they look intellectual. And I was listening to Now 5, so that's kinda 'old skool' isn't it?"

Eventually, Astrid was forced to admit owning a clearly out-of-date personal stereo. "You can get away with anything these days by calling it 'old skool' - well, almost anything. This time, I was wrong" she explained. "My walkman is a piece of crap," she sobbed, wiping away her tears with the sleeves of her second hand Adidas tracksuit top.

Top in-house fashion expert, Ginger Very, explained the thrust of this incident, relating it to a sprawl of incidents sweeping the "posho inner city". "These kids just think that it's oh so cool to wear clothes with dirty, ripped hems and clothes half falling apart and smelling of mothballs and other people's BO. The most extreme dichotomy is the fusing of electronics with 'old skool'. It's straight out of an Orwellian nightmare, dah'ling. If I were Astrid, I'd ditch my 'old skool' linguist friends and capitalise on the upcoming cyber-lumberjack chic that seems to be developing a nice nitch [sic.]."

Sound advice it may be but it won't regain the respect Nolan has lost. The upshot is: don't call something 'old skool' unless you're sure that the peer you follow has claimed it first. Astrid's life is over, she told the Evil Gerald: "my life is over". Don't you make the same mistake - be careful, don't be sorry.



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