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JJ72 / Met Éireann feud escalates.

New 'e-tailing' site not a waste of time - shocker

Goth phase regretted

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Editorial - something must be done!

'Old skool' walkman actually just crap

Announcement by The Evil Gerald, inc.


Teen now wondering why the fuck he's been a Goth all these years

Leather, industrial music, perpetual moodiness and own-brand hairspray proved too much for pre-post-teen, Jamie Watson, last week when he was hit with the realisation that for the past four years, he has been a complete tit.

Moody since birth, Watson found his niche some time after the Junior Cert when he and a handful of friends resolved to become Goths after getting a little too into the Smashing Pumpkins. A concerned classmate commented, "They almost went around looking for reasons to be moody and walked around together with long sleeves, frowning all the time and slagging off everyone's taste in music."

As Watson's friends delved deeper and deeper into Goth, he began to experiment with cosmetic products and soon set himself apart as King Goth in his school, noticeable by his jet black, coiffed hair, white foundation and ripped school uniform. "Man, he was so moody," said Goth friend Mark O'Driscoll, "he put us all to shame. Even we were scared of him."

Soon enough, Watson was listening to Einsturzende Neubauten and other industrial music and began drawing occult symbols, like the pentagram, on his hands, pencil cases and schoolbag.

People looked at him funny but it all added to the mystique; Watson commented: "I'd feel in a bad mood 'cos of the way they were looking at me and I'd just turn around and say, 'hey, why are you looking at me funny?' and they'd get scared!"

It was last week, while waiting for friends outside Trinity College, that forced him to realise the error of his ways when he was giving out about a Goth under his breath, who was sitting opposite him.

"The guy was just sitting there wearing those dumb boots, with his face all white and black and reading some book like Kant's 'Critique of Pure Reason'. He was looking so moody and every so often the idiot would look up just to make sure people were looking at him being all moody. What a phoney. It was like he was begging people to judge him just so he could say to himself, 'Oh, don't judge me, I'm a human like the rest of you, even if my life is pain'."

"I was a complete tit," continued Watson, "and now I see the new breed of Goths and it turns my stomach like inhaling hairspray up your nostrils." His mum couldn't be more pleased with his new image, describing him as "a strapping young lad".

"I can't believe I was so moody," said Watson to his final question, "maybe this year in college I won't be so misunderstood. What are you looking at me like that for?"




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