Iarnród Éireann and the Minister for Transport and Communications and Other Stuff would like to advise passengers that the 8.25a.m. train serving all stations to Howth will be delayed by approximately five years. This delay is due to the late arrival of an incoming light rail system.
Iarnród Éireann would further like to advise passengers that the next train arriving at Platform Two, which is the 8.33a.m. service to Bray, will be on fire, stinking of piss and will stop inexplicably for 20 minutes just 100m from your destination. This service, which will serve none of the stops any of you want to get off at, will be a standing only service as it will have been being the only train to arrive at this station for forty minutes. Iarnród Éireann would like to apologise to passengers for this delay which is due to a shortage of Johnny Blue at Sydney Parade station.
Iarnród Éireann would like to advise passengers that the next train stopping at Platform One will be delayed by approximately double the time you have already been waiting for it, plus half of any extra time you may have to spend explaining why you are late for work. Iarnród Éireann in conjunction with the Department for Enterprise, Trade and Employment would like to apologise to passengers for any incidents of rail rage and firing this may cause. This delay is due to a driver shortage in Bray, a truck going through the Merrion Gates, the train terminating in Dun Laoghaire, a signalling failure at Pearse station and some skangers throwing a brick at the driver.
Iarnród Éireann would like to further advise passengers that youse may all just as well go off home to bed as there will be no more trains for the foreseeable future. This indefinite delay is in spite of the fact that there is only ONE DART line we have to contend with, and is due to a deadly suspension of approximately eight parts nitrogen to two parts oxygen in the vicinity of the track coupled with a lethal cocktail of dihydrogen monoxide mixed with some killer leaves. Iarnród Éireann would like to apologise to passengers for this delay but are sure you are glad of the day off work. Thank you.