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There was panic on the streets of Birmingham, Dublin, Dundee, Humberside and further panic in Washington DC as it emerged that there are no camouflage bikinis left in military stores. This could leave female combatants frightfully exposed in the cruel Afghan desert.

US military chief Colin Powell lashed the pop trio who have rocketed to superstardom with such catchy tunes as Jumpin' Jumpin', Say My Name and Survivor, saying "Forsooth I will bear witness to the fitness of these feisty vixens, but that does not make up for their stunning thoughtlessness in using up all our army bikinis, halter tops, and leopardskin loincloths in their videos". "Yes," he clarified, answering a question from a journalist, "I said loincloths".

Launching the offensive, codenamed Operation Inscrutable Title, he continued "I'm a survivor, I'm a forgiver, I'm not go'n' stop, I'm go'n' work harder" to ensure American soldiers have all the combat fatigue-style beachwear they need for the dangerous mission ahead". Powell promised that the larger soldier too would be catered for in the new range. "I appeal to you Beyonce, Kelly and Michelle, remember the other members of Destiny's Child who heroically gave their careers so you might become enriched, contribute to the war effort by taking off your bikinis and donating them to the US army. God bless America."

1. Advanced Belly-Button-mounted tracking device allowing army commanders knowledge of the precise location of Destiny member's belly-button during combat
2. Holster with retro-revolver. Exact make unknown but military scientists say it may fire caps to scare off the enemy but it will definitely be available in toy shops in a glitter-covered replica in time for Christmas
3. Bullet-proof bikini/brassiere cup. Developed from a titanium alloy more expensive than gold, it offers the dual advantages of shielding the wearer from enemy fire and offering a degree of cupping and support to the breast never before available in a bullet-proof bra
4. Concealed in Beyonce's bandanna is a top-secret laser weapon capable of whuppin' a cheating man's ass at a distance of up to three kilometers
5. Air vents in Michelle's trousers allow for that extra breathability so important in the sticky Afghan wastelands. They also allow her to show off her legs and part of her butt while giving the impression of actually wearing pants




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