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There
was panic on the streets of Birmingham, Dublin, Dundee, Humberside and
further panic in Washington DC as it emerged that there are no camouflage
bikinis left in military stores. This could leave female combatants frightfully
exposed in the cruel Afghan desert.
Lashed
US military chief Colin Powell lashed the pop trio who have rocketed to
superstardom with such catchy tunes as Jumpin' Jumpin', Say My Name
and Survivor, saying "Forsooth I will bear witness to the fitness
of these feisty vixens, but that does not make up for their stunning thoughtlessness
in using up all our army bikinis, halter tops, and leopardskin loincloths
in their videos". "Yes," he clarified, answering a question from a journalist,
"I said loincloths".
Appeal
Launching the offensive, codenamed Operation Inscrutable Title, he continued
"I'm a survivor, I'm a forgiver, I'm not go'n' stop, I'm go'n' work harder"
to ensure American soldiers have all the combat fatigue-style beachwear
they need for the dangerous mission ahead". Powell promised that the larger
soldier too would be catered for in the new range. "I appeal to you Beyonce,
Kelly and Michelle, remember the other members of Destiny's Child who
heroically gave their careers so you might become enriched, contribute
to the war effort by taking off your bikinis and donating them to the
US army. God bless America."
1. Advanced
Belly-Button-mounted tracking device allowing army commanders knowledge
of the precise location of Destiny member's belly-button during combat
2. Holster with retro-revolver. Exact make unknown but military scientists
say it may fire caps to scare off the enemy but it will definitely be available
in toy shops in a glitter-covered replica in time for Christmas
3. Bullet-proof bikini/brassiere cup. Developed from a titanium alloy more
expensive than gold, it offers the dual advantages of shielding the wearer
from enemy fire and offering a degree of cupping and support to the breast
never before available in a bullet-proof bra
4. Concealed in Beyonce's bandanna is a top-secret laser weapon capable
of whuppin' a cheating man's ass at a distance of up to three kilometers
5. Air vents in Michelle's trousers allow for that extra breathability so
important in the sticky Afghan wastelands. They also allow her to show off
her legs and part of her butt while giving the impression of actually wearing
pants.
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