An end to policy documents: If the PDs really were in power

Hands off our city: Culchies out of Dublin

"It's a fair cop, U.S.A." - bin Laden

Tony the Tiger: Rumbled in the Jungle

Faux Celebrity Mulls Legal Battle

NI runs out of ugly, bitter women

Twenty-something sends first work-related e-mail

Joe Jacob's Disco Biscuits

News in Brief: Laughterland faces smile crisis, Bush's comforting words to Taliban and a receptionist is "really sorry"

U.S. accepts U.S. proof of
bin Laden's guilt

-Government pronounces itself "very impressed" with hard work of government
-"Don't show it to me, I'm already convinced" - Blair
-"Good enough for me", says bin Laden, surrendering to U.S. Marines

The American government has secretly published 'extensive' documentation that "clearly links Osama bin Laden and his al-Quaeda organisation to the September 11th bombings in New York and Washington", said Gen. Colin Powell, who co-authored the document.

"I am completely convinced", declared Powell during a press conference this morning. "This is all the evidence we need to pursue a military campaign against bin Laden's forces. I'm very impressed with the diligent work of those who put this cast-iron case together, including myself".

"You capitalist dogs are tough, but you are fair."

The Attorney-General, John Ashcroft, concurred. "This is a watertight case", he said, "and the Attorney General should be commended for helping put it together. It's such a shame we can't show it to anyone. That would compromise security, you see".

The reaction across the Atlantic was just as effusive. A wide-eyed, gesturing Tony Blair described the evidence as "so compelling, I can't wait to read it". In the jungles of Afghanistan, al-Quaeda (Arabic for "those who would hi-jack planes and fly them into sky-scrapers") leader bin Laden prepared to give himself up.

"It's a fair cop", he told reporters, packing his flowing white robes into dozens of patent-leather suitcases. "They have uncovered my vast network of terror, laid it bare like a pina colada. The jig's up. I'm just glad their ace investigators didn't get to us before we could send a dozen people to live in the U.S. for years, train as pilots and fly airliners into buildings".




    Back issues     Breaking news     Story archives     About