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Corrections and Clarifications


Beijingians were jubilant last night at the news that the much-maligned Falun Gong quasi-religion would be recognised as an official Olympic sport in time for the 2008 Olympic games. Local residents danced in the streets celebrating the decision with cries of "Execute the vile meditators!"

The international Olympic Committee voted 85 to 19 in favour of recognition of the group which has been persecuted by Chinese authorities since it was outlawed in 1999. The sect, whose followers the Chinese government accuse of being in a murderous cult, is to be included in the $20bn (60€) splurge on Olympic grandeur, with its own purpose-built stadium equipped with all the complicated and expensive equipment Falun Gong practitioners require. Such specialities include some grass and a tree.

Just Falun' around!

The Chinese government, who admit that 14 female Falun Gong prisoners died in custody in an unbotched suicide attempt last month, denies that the inclusion of inward-facing machine gun turrets in the draft stadium blueprints seen by the Evil Gerald Beijing office was evidence that the arena had a "dual-use" role.

The Evil Gerald caught up with one practitioner, Li Xiao, in jail in the middle of an actual beating who told us through bloody teeth that he suspected the luxury stadium would double as a venue for the pre-execution show-trials so popular in China of late. He was immediately dragged away by three guards who in shifts of eight hours each kept him awake for 14 days in what a Police spokesman later described as "Olympic training". He denied any stadiumnal dual-use plans but thanked The Evil Gerald for the suggestion.

The evil cult hopes to rake in sponsorship from such giants as Coke and Kodak and is currently in negotiations with Red Bull. Falun Gong Grand Wizard and founder Li Hongzhi said he was surprised at the decision in view of the fact that the Falun Gong symbol has a swastika on it, but nevertheless welcomed it, adding "There is air, there is sky. Who are you?"




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