Ireland's Dead Rise Up, Curse McCarthy
A stunning development rocked the world of Irish soccer yesterday, as dead people across the country chewed their way through coffins and clawed their way up through six feet of soil, roaming about and moaning.
But these hideous abominations are only baying for the blood of one man - Republic top cat Mick McCarthy. "At first we thought they wanted to feast on our brains," laughed Bill O'Herlihy, RTE's chief sports pundit. "But all they wanted was to complain about Niall Quinn still being on the squad."
"Quinn belongs to us now," said Sean Hayden (1903 - 1967), demanding: "McCarthy - drop Quinn and let us resume the chilly slumber of death."
McCarthy has rubbished the criticism of the putrefying pundits. "The team needs a player with Niall's experience. Most of these zombies don't understand the modern game," he told the Gerald. But the critical corpses were quick to counter-rubbish McCarthy. One source said: "The only thing [Quinn] is experiencing is partial deafness and loss of bowel control. And now there's talk of bringing him to Japan. Christ almighty."
McCarthy remained defiant. "He scored against Cyprus, didn't he? Niall's coming to the World Cup and that's that. I'll bung the coffin in steerage if need be," he said, adding: "Seriously."