D'oh! Simpsons Quotes to Become Official Language of Ireland


Minister Sile de Valera, laughing with some men.

Who can argue with a point made using an apt and hilarious scene from The Simpsons? That's right, nobody - at least in this humble reporter's opinion. With that in mind, the Minister for Arts, Culture, the Gaeltacht, Macnas, Galway and the Islands, Sile de Valera, has decreed that Simpsons Quotes will replace English as Ireland's official language. In a Dail debate yesterday she outlined her reasons for the change.

"English is a cancer on this fair city. It is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?" she said, before adding "English, who needs it? I'm never going to England!". Stunned deputies, or helper monkeys as they are to be known from now on, immediately called her attention to Bunreacht na hEireann, the constitution of Ireland as drafted by her own grandfather.

The document makes no reference to any special place in the Irish nation for Simpsons Quotes. But de Valera, wielding a copy of the constitution, retorted "Have you ever read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom." Slamming the move, Labour TD Brendan Howlin told the minister "That's not the constitution. That's a book of carpet samples."

"Mmm, fuzzy", she replied. Independent TD Jackie Healy Rae, against the motion, said Simpsons Quotes were nothing but a cheap, foreign import and that Irish was our one true language. "Have you ever wondered why fat parents have fat children?
Or why Chinese parents have Chinese children? It's no coincidence."

"Jackie, there's no such thing as Irish," replied de Valera. "It's just something made up to scare kids, like the bogeyman or Michael Jackson." "I stand by my racial slur", retorted Healy Rae. Later, taking a different tack, the minister attempted to convince her fellow helper monkeys that both English and Simpsons Quotes were interchangeable in modern Irish society. "I am actually speaking in Simpsons Quotes. By an astonishing coincidence, both of our languages are exactly the same," she wheedled.

When challenged by the opposition as to the veracity of her statement, she offered the following clarification. "It's true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies, but they're entertaining lies, and in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer, is no."

In his fiery opening speech to the Dail, newly elected Fine Gael leader Michael Noonan lashed out at the minister. "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you!. Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!". Despite the heated debate, the controversial motion was passed. Outside the Dail, de Valera made the following statement. "I am so smart. I am so smart. S. M. R. T. ... I mean S. M. A. R. T."

Taoiseach Bertie Ahern expressed his dissatisfaction through a spokesman, saying simply "I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows".

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