No Nose is Good Nose

Five employees of a well-known PR (Public Relations, or 'PR') company have been found dead in a popular Dublin night-club toilet following what the State Coroner has confirmed as, "a massive cocaine overdose of the body." The PR and advertising sectors have been rocked by the deaths, first blaming it on a number of 'alarming trends' sweeping Dublin, and then going on strike for a pay rise.

Big money blow-out
Attention was first brought to the deadly lure of white cocaine-powdered drugs earlier last year following the revelation that Eastenders star, Daniella Westbrook (left) had completely destroyed her nasal septum through her abuse, leaving her with only one nostril and an otherwise rather forlorn expression. Newspapers and television news weighed in with coverage every day for a while.

Gardaí reported a slight dip in cocaine sales and consumption following Westbrook's nose but a short time later, a marked increase in use among PR professionals, impressed by her cross-media splashage and intrigued by the gaping nose-hole's fashion possibilities, was revealed.

Snorting their futures up the face
The look, named the 'Westbrook', is achieved through excessive cocaine use simply dissolving away the piece of tissue separating the two nostrils, leaving just one visually striking 'uninostril'. Asked to comment on why this trend has spread through Dublin society, Jimmy 'The Smack-Tsar' O'Shaughnessy, co-ordinator of club-culture anti-drugs scheme Just Say Bo!, said "it's got everything to do with money - how much you can spend, how much coke you can do and how big you can get your nostril. It's a status symbol, like telling the world, "I'm looking down my huge smell-cyclops at you"."

Reaction has been swift. The trend has been condemned as a health hazard by Health Board officials, worried that increased volume of runny-nose fluid will leak unimpeded onto pavements during winter, causing nauseating, hip-smashing accidents.

However, despite health warnings from the state, Just Say Bo! and Concerned Mothers of Ireland Action!!, youths and their associates are actively ignoring all press-related material. The Smack-Tsar summed it up when he ashamedly noted "it's just a typical example of no nose is good nose".

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