Serbs loaf Lawlor

Liam Lawlor, spotted yesterday walking around the city trying to blame passers-by, shouting "You made me do it".

Recently disgraced, jailed, etc. TD, Liam Lawlor, has vowed to appeal the decision of the Serbian Government not to allow him political asylum.

In a judgement announced yesterday, Serbian immigration officials said "We've got standards, you know. We can't let just any crack-pot into Serbia. He'd bring the tone of the place down"

Lawlor's application for refugee status was originally delayed while he argued that he did not have to disclose his name to the court. After trying various pseudonyms, such as Felonious P. Orridge, Bramley Wod, and Buckminster Haberdash, he eventually admitted his name. It was at this time that Serbian officials began to laugh and point at him.

"The Republic of Srbska needs me," an angry Lawlor told reporters in Belgrade. "At a time when the country is trying to rebuild after the NATO bombs, people are crying out my skills, building where they told me it couldn't be done".

Lawlor's case centred on the argument that if he returned home to the war-torn, chaotic island of Ireland he would almost certainly face persecution from the authorities. "I am afraid of my life that they will send me to prison again for crimes that I have commited. Some of my closest colleagues have been tortured - made to sit in a chair in a big room and placed under a glaring media spotlight."

"There are plenty of brown envelopes here for everyone," he pleaded to the Serb authorities. Outside the immigration offices an angry mob spat and jeered. "We don't want your type around here. Go back to Russia," they advised him.

If his new appeal fails Lawlor will try to have himself classified as an endangered species, a move likely to be supported by the Isle of Man and the Cayman Islands, where beached mammals are a delicacy.


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