Gerald Exclusive! Men and women are different Quinn sets out demands for labour Those opposing Valentine's Day "sad, hairy virgins" Water supplies to be carbonated by 2004 - FG Delegates' confusion at "recent events" speech X-ray Hotel guests claim false advertising Plastic Surgery For All Top Trumps 2001 Damn! That homeless guy was really cute PR guru appalled by Harney flight Unattended chip-pan fails to catch fire War looms in the Wesht TV blamed for Ulster outrages US army intercepts Bray teenager		In the kitchen with Gustavo, The Evil Gerald celebrity kitchen porter Being dishwasher from Latvia no easy in Ireland. You have to use brain as well as hands. One minute scrape frier, next minute mopping floor. Gustavo no time for sex. Some kitchen bad. At home on farm with parents, get the chickens. Whack! My parents. Cook. Delicious. Three litre wine. No problem. Here in Ireland. Food, shit. At home. Work 18 hours. Eat food. Good for sex. Me drink four bottle wine last night. Gustavo's Four-Course Treat You need: 300 customer 1,200 dirty plate 1 sink full water Soup 1 pint glass full vodka 6 dickhead waiter 3 fuckingk chef 4 fuckingk son of whore sous chef Also required: Fucking no scrape plates into bin! Gustavo no have sex two day 2 more glass vodka Method Under the skin of the celebrity kitchen porter fill with liquor. This usually is done in the form of a self-application. Leave for 16 hours in a highly pressurised kitchen full of underpaid staff with knives. Poach several bottles of wine from the bar. Call chef's mother a whore. Cover KP in hot soup. Drizzle chef with scalding hot water from the hose. Throw plate at dishwasher's head. Insert knife deep into chef's chest. Allow chef to bleed to death. The worst night ever for Gustavo! Just man-sex five year.

 

Home     Back issues     Breaking news     Story archives     About